5 Things I Don't Want To See In Star Wars: Episode VII

Anything Geared To 4-Year-Olds

Lucas has repeatedly declared, "Star Wars is for children!" But he must acknowledge that it wasn't children that made him a billionaire. It was nerds like me that emptied their wallets for all things Star Wars. I was 12 when the first movie came out. There really wasn't much cutesy-cute stuff like the Ewoks or Jar-Jar in Episode IV, but it didn't prevent us from becoming completely hooked. As a matter of fact, by far the most popular character among us kids was Darth Vader. A friend of mine has a couple of very young boys who are now Star Wars nuts themselves. Their favorite character? Darth Vader.

Scientific Explanations for Spiritual Stuff

One of the coolest moments in Episode IV is when Obi-Wan is explaining the nature of the Force to Luke (and Han Solo is cynically smirking). It kind of laid the framework for the entire series: a greater good; more than the physical; the merits of self-sacrifice. And then, as we know, that was all destroyed with a ridiculous conversation about midichlorians. No more. As Shakespeare said, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy".

Lame Humor

It's hard to pick the worst example of this from Episodes I-VI; there are so many to choose from. Jar-Jar reacting to a flatulent animal. Jar-Jar stepping in manure. Chewbacca letting out a Tarzan yell (a Tarzan yell!) A belching frog outside Jabba's palace. Jar-Jar's slapstick nonsense during the Battle of Naboo (come to think of it, a lot of these involve Mr. Binks).

Straying Too Far From The Formula

I'm sure to a certain extent JJ Abrams wants to put his own stamp on the series. At the same time, there is a reason that we're all crazy about Star Wars. I don't want Episodes VII - IX to feel like new movie versions of Firefly. Star Wars might be grittier than Star Trek, but it is definitely not as gritty as Firefly. Obviously the prequels have their flaws, but I will say this: they feel like Star Wars. They are definitely part of the canon.

Dwelling On The Past

Acknowledging what has come before will be great. Rehashing what we already know will not. I think I'm more amped about this movie than I have been since, oh, probably 1980. Because when The Empire Strikes Back was announced, you had no idea what that movie was gonna be. We generally thought, "the whole story was told in Star Wars. What else could there be to say?" And then came what is universally considered the best Star Wars film of all. I want to be genuinely surprised. I want to be excited like a 12-year-old. I want there to be endless layers of detail and mystery so that I can watch these movies dozens of times and still find new stuff. Is that too much to ask?

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Jeffrey Dale Starr is a world traveler, oil painter, and owner of mobile software company Purple Falcon.

5 Things I Want To See In Star Wars: Episode VII

Mystery

JJ Abrams recently said something that I've been saying for years. One of the coolest aspects of the original Star Wars trilogy is the sense of mystery. From the opening dialogue on Leia's ship we are bombarded with references to a 'Rebel Alliance', 'The Empire', a 'Death Star', and the most intriguing villain in cinematic history - Darth Vader (when the first movie came out there was quite a debate among us 12-year-olds as to whether Vader was a robot or human). The assumption that you knew who all of these characters were and what in the world they were talking about was one of the great motivators to keep watching and get up to speed. The new movies need more of that.

Great Actors

Two of the actors that have been rumored for Episode VII are Benedict Cumberbatch and Chiwetel Ejiofor. This would be great, if true. One of the things that has given the other movies gravitas and credibility is the casting of great actors (Alec Guinness, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, James Earl Jones, Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Ahmed Best ... oops, hands kept typing). The new movies need thespians with those kind of chops.

Quiet Moments

As with all art, contrasts heighten the experience. Whether it's the light and shadow of Rembrandt, the loud and quiet of Pixies, or the brief and eloquent of William Faulkner - variety intensifies. The quiet moments of Star Wars (especially in the original trilogy) really help to make the action scenes more vibrant. One of the most memorable shots in the whole series to me is Luke looking over the landscape at dusk. It's just so 'real movie'-ish. Almost seems like a shot from Lawrence of Arabia. Abrams is great at action, and I know he'll be in top form for these movies. I just hope he remembers to add respites of thoughtfulness.

Sophisticated Humor

Jar-Jar stepping in manure is not what I would call sophisticated humor. The romantic tension between Han and Leia is. You get the picture.

New Characters

It must be a very intimidating thing to be in JJ Abrams' shoes. You are taking the reins of something that you have adored your entire life. It's a dream come true, but you have to be scared to death of ruining it. For all the things you can say about George Lucas, this is one advantage he had. He doesn't revere the movies because they're his. He had the freedom to do whatever he wanted. In some cases this was bad (Jar-Jar), but in some cases it was awesome (Darth Maul, General Grievous). I hope that everyone involved realize that keeping the series vital by infusing new characters is crucial to the success of any Star Wars movie.

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Jeffrey Dale Starr is a world traveler, oil painter, and owner of mobile software company Purple Falcon.

The Beer of Star Wars

Whether taking a respite at a Mos Eisley cantina or rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi at a Coruscant nightclub, the characters in Star Wars are going to get thirsty.

And when they do, what will be their brew of choice?

This question, which has befuddled the masses for decades, we will attempt to answer below (feel free to offer your insights.)

Darth Vader Surly Furious Well of course Anakin Skywalker would drink no other beer than Surly Furious. Not only does the name describe him perfectly, but the beer itself is dark, mysterious, and will take you out of commission if you're not careful. Do not underestimate the power of the dark beer.

Han Solo Odell Myrcenary Yes, Han ended up becoming a hero. But there's no denying the fact that in Episode IV his main motivator was money. Saving a princess solely for a reward definitely qualifies as mercenary. Solo gives Odell's brew this ringing endorsement: "I don't have a bad feeling about this."

The Sarlacc The Abyss (Deschutes Brewery) I feel kind of sorry for The Sarlacc. For a long time now, he drinks The Abyss from Deschutes because he thinks that it was named after him. But he isn't the only one to benefit from the delicious beer. Boba Fett was quoted as saying, "Yes, it's no picnic being slowly digested by a giant plant monster. But if I can help pass the time by drinking a refreshing beverage like The Abyss, it's almost worth it."

Sebulba AleSmith Speedway Stout What else to refresh a parched podracer on a hot Malastare afternoon than the fittingly named Speedway Stout? And as an added benefit, this beer is like drinking a fine cup of coffee, motivating a Dug to reach that finish line in style.

Lando Calrissian Colt 45 In an amazing coincidence, Lando's beer of choice is the same as Billy Dee Williams, the actor that plays him. Whether dealing with a stressful day managing Cloud City or making a guest appearance on The Jeffersons, Colt 45 makes everything go a little smoover.

C-3PO Pink Champagne Yes, pink champagne is not beer. But what else would C-3PO drink?

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Jeffrey Dale Starr is a beer enthusiast, oil painter, and owner of mobile software company Purple Falcon.